I'm Back From Austin!! OR Holy Shit it's Halloween!! OR Lindsay Lohan's Nipples!!

Firstly, I have to say that I've been gone for awhile. I'm sorry. I've missed you dearly. I was in Texas.

Ok, now pick up the granola bar you just dropped and tune in for a sec. I went to Texas, yes. I didn't post before I went, I know, but I assure you that it was for both our sakes. Why write when the trip hasn't happened yet? Exactly, I knew you'd see my point - you always do.

Last week I attended the Austin International Film Festival's Screenwriter Conference held at the Driskill and Stephen F. Austin Hotels in downtown Austin, Texas.

That's a lot of capitals.

Over the course of the four or five days I was there [because free beer makes you forget] I went to panels held by screenwriting and filmmaking vets alike, partied at private functions & on Austin's 6th street, and had some very, very interesting and valuable experiences.

Was it worth the almost $2000 it cost me to attend? Absolutely. Would I do it again? Absolutely; it was completely and totally invaluable to what now feels like will be my career. I am in debt to many people for pointing me in Austin's direction, for coaxing me to go. I won't name names here because you know who you are, and simply, for sake of brevity.

It was great. You are great.

Next, a definition:

Hal‧low‧een  /ˌhæləˈwin, -oʊˈin, ˌhɒl-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[hal-uh-ween, -oh-een, hol-] Pronunciation Key -
–noun
the evening of October 31; the eve of All Saints' Day; Allhallows Eve: observed esp. by children in costumes who solicit treats, often by threatening minor pranks.


Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm crazy but, doesn't this strike you as a little... odd? The first thing that comes to mind when I read this is, and I don't think I'm alone here, what little bastards these children are [at least by definition]. Halloween at my future house, when I've grown up of course, will be something like this:

KIDS: (knocking)
ME: (opens door)
KIDS: Trick-or-*SOK!*

That's me punching them square in the mask. How's that for a trick?

Trick-or-PUNCH; that's the system. After an hour I may throw in a kick or two for good measure but, generally speaking, that's how it will work. I think, for added effect, I may also dress up as a teddy bear or something equally innocuous so as to lull them into a false sense of security before the attack.

KID: Mommy, it's a teddy-bear! Like Mr. Binkies at home!
MOTHER: (smiling complacently)

Then *BIFF* - bear paw right in the mouth-hole. Try eating candy after getting mauled you little prick. I guess this would be a good opportunity to grab their candy bag, before they bleed all over it, and close the door.

Am I cynical? Perhaps. Am I a capitalist? Indeed.

And that brings me to Lindsay Lohan's Nipples.

Those of you here via Google, Yahoo, or some other pervert-express are no doubt in shock, disbelief, and utter flaccidity that nowhere on this page are Lindsay Lohan's nipples. I assure you this was nothing more than a ploy, and at the behest of others, to lure you here for sake of hits alone. Send me messages of hate.

YOU'VE BEEN HAD!

Now that's a lot of capitals.