Jesus Loves Green Vegetables!!

Well, it's time for my bi-monthly post. Hooray! Just wanted to, in usual tardy (though not retardy) fashion, update you all on my status in life while we each politely pretend that its static nature is simply a mechanism of my own 'awesomeness' and not a result of succumbing to an idle lifestyle.

I'm begging you.

I've finished "W W J D ?" [ed. note: almost two months ago] and sent it to TheLot.com for judging/my own bemusement. I've also uploaded it to YouTube for simple viewing pleasure. Painfully, it has an intro starring myself (because it had to, eat shit) that lasts forty-three seconds before the real meat and potatoes of the project.

Also, and if you're a little retardy, I've got a straight up copy & paste link for you in case the above linkage slipped by you, unawares. Here she is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctr4N1g6lIk

And now that that's over, I shall perform a flawless transition from breaking-news to story-recap.

[insert clever segue]

So, I was in G-Spot visiting Vegetarian Girlfriend last night...

I know, already this sounds like a great time - multiple orgasms while eating mounds upon mounds of green vegetables. Maybe even some fake meat, just to get me worked up even more.

However, I had a good time (and got my daily intake of Vitamins A through D), all was well, and then I was driving home at 2:30 in the morning. Cue: human stupidity.

While minding my business, P's and Q's, manners, and front, back, and sides of my car for fear of imminent death/rolling/flipping, or the like, something appeared to be moving across the 401 with the haste of an intoxicated groundhog.

Thumbing the ejector-seat release (located just above the rear thruster ignition), I pondered my fate VS. such a creature and instead bunkered comfortably into my outstandingly attractive black-leather bucket seat, bracing for the impact/muffled thud of instant death from only a foot below me.

Then what to my wondering eyes did appear but a fucking fat guy [ed. note: not Santa Clause] in a neon orange/yellow vest, hauling a cylindrical pylon across the three lane highway with all the motivation of a half-hearted attempt at suicide.

And then two of them. And then a third.

It was a goddamn squadron of living beings that valued the condition of a pylon as much or more than their own livelihood.

Now, do keep in mind that it is 2:30 in the a.m. People are sleeping. God is sleeping. Hell, if I wasn't driving a big metal object I think I would have been sleeping too - even then I'm sure my brain was thinking about trying both at the same time anyway; you know, just to see if it'd turn out. And if I had I'm sure God would have woken up to the very same feeling that I had the instant I spotted those fat, pylon wielding assholes lurching across the busiest highway in North America:


GOD: [waking up in a cold sweat, suddenly, gasping for air] The power of Christ compels you! [looks around, realizing He's in His own bed and sighs in relief]
ANGEL #1: [over P.A. system] Uhh, God? You should probably come see this. Three obese highway workers just had their shit ruined all over the highway by the Batmobile.
GOD: For fuck's sake, I'm sleeping.
ANGEL #1: Hey, sorta off topic but are we all out of Philly cream cheese? [cue Philly choir]


All that was missing on my end was the cream cheese (because I was already singing the Philly song, and at a healthy buck30). It's really too bad, too.

It would have completed my nutrition guide checklist for the day.